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Archive for the ‘Fickle Feelings’ Category

When I am Upset

June 29, 2011 Leave a comment

1)Go shopping

2)Eat & eat

3)Watch movie

4)Make over for my bedroom (with new bed spread,curtains….)

5)Blogging(i felt very content & happy doing it)

Categories: Fickle Feelings

Gloomy Sunday!!

June 19, 2011 Leave a comment

Woke up with period pains & that annoying hammering noise at the construction site opposite to my home,looked at my mobile it was six in the morn,that noise was geting on my nerves…to deviate myself from it..so that i don’t end up with frustration & heavy head i just pluged in my head phones to listen to the radio..guess what which song was playing “Papa kehte hai..bada naam karega” frm qyamat se qyamat tak ! ..later herd the RJ saying it was father’s Day today…I am not a believer of these day’s…i wonder whats the need for it?
Mother’s day,father’s day etc….
Do we need a day to make our parents feel special or thank them for all they did..I don’t think so…
But i fell sullen as memories reiterated in my mind..
-That unspoken affection & love my dad always had for me,
-his desire to give best for us -food,education and lots more,

Many more things kept running in my mind,and soon i was crying…i felt a deep desire to meet him..i just wondered if would meet him again..& this thought made me more miserable..I was crying & never new when i fell asleep..

It was such a ponderous day,i guess i was missing someone..But y should i miss that person…when that person does not feel the same for me y should i feel like this?

Enough i am not going to think bout him(The second man in a girls life after her dad,i guess every girl tries to find something bout her father in the other man..& they end up expecting so much but forget that he is not a hero like her father to know every hidden desire of her’s ) anymore…but……..

most of the time i kept looking at my phone…now its enough…i am not going to be sooo desperate anymore,let me see how long i can do this…

To deviate myself from all this in my life I started to make up my room..

very firstly i put on the new bed spread..very colorful one…Check out…Hope its not too colorful..never mind i loved the look 🙂

This is what i put up on my table.So lively  ,It did make my day……………

Mohammad….

June 19, 2011 Leave a comment

As he walk’s in my room & calls me “aapi” in his sweet innocent voice,whatever mood i am in it makes me feel smug….

we all at home  are so much drawn to him…he sets the entire home with fun & joy with his innocence …

Jut look into his innocent eyes…

He is very fond of my room…look at him..often runs into my room 🙂

See the Look when he is annoyed !

Categories: Fickle Feelings

My Misery

May 22, 2011 Leave a comment

I guess i write only when i am upset or really in a state of despair,only when i have nobody to share my feelings to.That’s the reason most of my post are so saddening.

I felt nothing good this morning….
all i felt is miserable
dejected & lonely.
something new that i wore..still culd not mke my day..I guess i wore my new dress only to hide my feelings 😦

Categories: Fickle Feelings

Cry baby cry

May 22, 2011 Leave a comment

First I use to cry for my parents,
then for studies,
then for job,
then again for job & parents,
then for marriage ,
then for love,
then for parents & lost love,
then for loneliness,
then for job disaster,
then for parents & my unfaithfulness to them,
then for accepting somebody else,
then for insecurities,
then for lost parent,
then for holding on someone in spite of knowing that i will be hurt,
then for Quandary & helplessness,
& dunno for what more …….

Categories: Fickle Feelings

Happy Mothers Day Mom

May 10, 2010 Leave a comment

I wanted to buy a pair of earrings for mom ,I feel bad whenever I see her sad, I want her to happy, most of the time she is lost in abba’s  memories ,I had planned to go out with L then I thought how could I do this ,leaving my family in despair how can I enjoy ? On the pretext of getting haircut done I went out with L to buy earrings for my mom, I was all excited to give it to her, but this effort of mine didn’t bring a smile on her face, instead she was more upset about me going all alone to buy jewelery as though it’s a big  task. I know why she felt so, we grew up in such conserve environment, we would not think of going out shopping without mom, but over few months I had learn to go all by myself because I felt dejected when I was not given importance when my sister’s marriage was all the priority in everyone’s life at home ,and also because L was back in my life and maybe I was so vulnerable and I was so in need of love and importance that lead to this mercurial behavior of mine, I knew L would be with me in every core I do. I felt really miserable for my failure in bringing those little happy moments in my mom’s life, I just went into my room & tried sleeping but only sorrow filled my night.

Categories: Fickle Feelings Tags:

Happy Birthday Abba !!

May 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Today is Abba’s Birthday,Abba I feel ur emptiness in our life’s,we miss you extremely.

You know what I and Arshi had planned to buy a cake for this birthday of yours just to surprise you,we know that you don’t like all this but we thought we were assuming ,May be you would have been so delighted to cut the cake at night 12 as we did on our birthdays. I know you would have never done this in your lifetime, but somewhere in the corner of your heart you would have hoped for this kind of surprise. But how unfortunate are we that we could not give this surprise to you. All this seem to be Inconsequential then, but every trivial thing seems to be missing you. Your anger when we stop you from smoking ,your deep pent-up love ,your endless faith in us, your smug smile on seeing us driving our own cars, your unstoppable proud talk on our achievements in work to our envious relatives, your squabble with ammi for the TV remote and the noisy argument you pick up with her on watching TV late night, Every  comment of yours on ammi’s cooking, your peer into our room when we leave you all alone to watch TV for a lengthy gossip, Your tears and content filled heart on arshi’s wedding and many more indescribable deeds of yours we miss.

Today is Abba’s Birthday,Abba I feel ur emptiness in our lifes,we miss you extremely.

You know what I and Arshi had planned to buy a cake for this birthday of yours just to surprise you,we know that you don’t like all this but we thought we were assuming ,May be you would have been so delighted to cut the cake at night 12 as we did on our birthdays. I know you would have never done this in your lifetime, but somewhere in the corner of your heart you would have hoped for this kind of surprise. But how unfortunate are we that we could not give this surprise to you. All this seem to be Inconsequential then, but every trivial thing seems to be missing you. Your anger when we stop you from smoking ,your deep pent-up love ,your endless faith in us, your smug smile on seeing us driving our own cars, your unstoppable proud talk on our achievements in work to our envious relatives, your squabble with ammi for the TV remote and the noisy argument you pick up with her on watching TV late night, Every  comment of yours on ammi’s cooking, your peer into our room when we leave you all alone to watch TV for a lengthy gossip, Your tears and content filled heart on arshi’s wedding and many more indescribable deeds of yours we miss.

Categories: Fickle Feelings Tags:

What’s your age ?

April 27, 2010 Leave a comment

As I discussed about the current scene of the appraisal going on at my work place with this guy who is suppose to be acting Team Lead for our project, I learnt that average hike last year was a single digit so I argued that it seemed to quite less but later convinced as recession had hit last year but this was not the case it would prevail this year as well that’s what he had to tell me and it would vary on ones experience.

I don’t know why he drifted from the current  topic of discussion to tell me that I am suppose to be most experienced and older to my other colleagues , I just wondered what has this got to do with our conversation ,what did he want to prove ?

I think I felt offended and I dint know how to react, as I was not expecting this, maybe I was feeling embarrassed of being old among them, When it comes to age it seems to be the most sensitive topic to discuss for girls. Why is it so?  I feel it’s truly offending to make such an arbitrary blanket statement that it’s embarrassing getting old!

But why did I feel that way? I don’t know what I felt but it was quite unpalatable. May be it’s because of the insecurities of not achieving what actually one should have at that age.

If I was a Team Lead and he would have told the same I would have never felt like that,

Now I understand what I actually felt. Now I feel as long as you’re positive, confident and responsible for every bit of your life it’s the most Inconsequential topic to worry about.

Yet another new experience as I grow old!

Categories: Fickle Feelings Tags:

April 22, 2010 Leave a comment

Hey done with most of the work, I want to just be myself and forget all that’s happening in my life for a while, All the things which keep haunting me most of the time, some of them like the defective gear box in my car, most crooked man I made a plot deal with who has not yet processed my loan to the tap not working at home.

Life seems to be so monotonous; all my dreams seem to wane away,

I feel I am left with nothing to do.

Life feels like the huge mountain of fear, insecurities, frustration, lost love & faith.

Will I really be able to pass on through this, How long should I wait for the light of hope to fill my journey with the desired colorful flowers, green trees and sweet fruits?

Categories: Fickle Feelings

I Hope this is my last try

November 16, 2009 Leave a comment

I find people changing but this is not new, why do I trust others?

I hate myself, my eyes are wet, I don’t want to cry. Why am i letting others do this to me? Just because I love him & accepted all he did to me I feel he’s taking me for granted.

Why the hell I can’t let him go, I am going to do this. When u really care and give all the attention to others they take it for granted, your love has no value you are just used. I have really gone so cheap, don’t I have my self-respect, how long I’ll argue with him to make him feel he’s doing wrong when he himself does not feel anything. Don’t I have brains, what am I doing? I gave everything to him, I don’t regret but I feel bad. Now I really feel bad that this person really did not deserve all this love of mine, but really I do regret all the tears I shed for him for all my sleepless nights my heart filling weekends which I spent thinking about him.

Can he return all those days of my life, How can people  play with others feelings, I really wonder what pleasure they get hurting others, I don’t think so even if they realize what they are doing. As long as they are happy its fine they don’t give a damn for others or what they feel.

I am not going to let this happen to me anymore !!I hope

Categories: Fickle Feelings, Love